Evie’s Field Trip

Michael helped me cut my long hair off last night.  I’d been growing it for Locks of Love - an organization that makes real hair pieces for children with cancer and other illnesses that result in hair loss. 

It all started with a dare.  I was telling Michael how much my hair has been part of my identity - how I didn’t think I’d be at all attractive with out it.  His response was, “Let’s just shave it and get over your fear now then!”  That was last April and the spark of a bigger idea.  Well, what if I did shave it off? 

I’d always wanted to donate my hair….someday. Noticing the grey swiftly creeping in at the temples, I’d better make that someday soon.

Over the last few weeks I began to obsess about where and how I would cut it.  I would take it to a salon where an expert would cut it and do something really “cool” with it, I thought. Yesterday, walking home from the bus stop on a crisp, sunny, perfect fall afternoon, I changed my mind. 

What kind of message did I want to send my kids?  As each of them tumbles head first into the teen years, obsessing about their own hair, looks,  - finding their sense of personal identity - there is very little I can say that will make any difference at all to their anxiety.  An action is worth more than a thousand words.  It becomes, in fact, a story. 

I wanted them to understand that for kids it it important to feel normal and accepted.  That’s why Locks of Love is such a cool organization.  As you grow into adulthood, identity is really how you act in the world - the choices you make, your relationships, and being in service to others.  So my husband and I cut the long ponytails off ourselves and he did the rest of the honors with the household clippers.  He was sweet and left me a few longer bangs in the front.

Later in the evening, when I caught my stepson in front of the mirror for the 10th time adjusting his hair, I grinned at him, rubbed my own buzzed head and said, “you should just shave it all off like I did!” 

“Oh!  You really DID shave it off!”  Then he looked me over for a minute, tilted his head to the side, smilled, and said, “Hmmm, that’s cool.”

Two years ago I was t-boned by a toyota SUV while cycling on Mercer Island.  The rest of the year involved pain, frustration, and the inabililty to recover properly.  I was also stressed out, adrenal depleted and otherwise “done” with my career at Microsoft.  I quit in October 2006.  About the time I was starting to feel good (end of November-ish) Michael got sick.  Then sicker…. and sicker.  By the end of December he had lost 30 pounds and we got the worst possible news.  So went 2007. 

The spring thaw is particularly special for me this year.  It represents recaptured health, fresh hope, new dreams.  A chance to plant seeds literally and figuratively.  Who knew something simple like ordering plants for the garden could feel so meaningful? 

West Seattle is a truly beautiful place.  I found a Cafe Ladro coffee shop last week - a perfect 15 minute walk from my house.  Some of the most stunning views of the Northwest and excellent house-gawking grace the hillside down to California street.  For the most part, the houses are smaller to mid-size - restored beauties with sun porches, quaint archways, and wisteria vine.  Terrifically charming! The neighborhood is a trove of tucked away green belts, walking trails, and secret stairways where streets appear to dead-end.  I dusted my running shoes off and trussed out the dog with fancy new (& more humane) chest harness for a good long exploration.   

We don’t run fast, more of a “wog”, as my friend Francesca likes to say, than a run.  But we trot along fast enough to thaw some of my wintered-over anxiety.  It hasn’t yet melted completely away, but we made a good start. 

This race is very close, and Washington could make the difference — but only if you caucus this Saturday, February 9th at 1:00 p.m. You may have heard that Washington is holding both a caucus and a primary this year, but only the February 9th caucus will determine the Democratic nominee for president. If you want to make your voice heard in this election, make sure to participate this Saturday. 

Caucusing is a fun and easy process, and to make sure you have everything you need for Caucus Day, our team has developed an online Caucus Center. Find your caucus location, learn how the caucus works, and more: 

http://my.barackobama.com/WAcaucuscenter The outcome of the caucuses on Saturday will depend on which campaign’s supporters know where to go and what to expect on Caucus Day. 

Here are some tips that should make Caucus Day run smoothly:  

• Anyone can register at the caucus — including Republicans and Independents.  

• If you’re going to be 18 by the time of the general election, you are eligible to caucus. This means 17-year-olds who will be 18 by November 4, 2008 are allowed to participate.  

• Make sure to be at your caucus location by 1:00 p.m. sharp!  

Barack Obama is the Democrat best positioned to compete in a general election. He alone can unite a Democratic Party that will lead this country for years to come. Help Barack in Washington by making sure you’re comfortable with the caucus process — then encourage the people you know to join you in caucusing for Barack: 

http://my.barackobama.com/WAcaucuscenter We’re headed into the next set of primaries and caucuses with the most wins, the most delegates, and a movement for change that’s picking up speed every day. 

It’s going to be an exciting weekend.  

The Washington State Democratic Caucus Info page explains how/where you can attend a Caucus event. 

In Washington State, only the result of the caucus will be used to determine our electoral votes in the primaries.  So don’t wait until February 19th if you are democrat and you care about voting for a particular democratic candidate.  Find out how and where you can attend a caucus using the link above.

The dog is curled up at my feet whilst I work.  Did I say “at” my feet.  I meant ON my feet.  He has found a way to coil himself around and over them like a furry pretzel. Is he happy?  Or is he already feeling anxious about what will happen when I have to get up. 

I met with several people this morning that I love working with.  We were meeting about creating something new together.  At some point I realized with great satisfaction that I value them so much that it doesn’t matter exactly how this new thing plays out.   I am happy participating with them in the now.  The unfolding itself is a don’t miss experience.

It doesn’t preclude having a vision for the future.  It just means that I don’t have to judge my experience of now by the future outcome.  This contentment is, I think, why I feel so happy being there. 

sprawled in perfect rest. 

do doggies get carpet face

when they sleep like that?

no tears can withstand

the comfort of a warm kiss

my face is wet twice!

its so nice of you,

to help take out the laundry… 

how ’bout the garbage? 

Best girlfriends are exactly that - the best. Mine met up with me this morning for a belated birthday brunch. I said no presents, but they brought small thoughtful gifts anyway. Jen brought Jack a gift - a doggie cannoli and a toy hedgehog.  I’m glad she pointed out that it was a doggie cannoli, because it looked really yummy and I might have just eaten it without investigating in detail! 

I just gave Jack his treat. He spent several minutes enjoying it and licked every last crumb from his pillow.  I thought about how miserable, underfed, and sick he was only a month ago, how much his life and fortunes have changed. It is a hopeful thought. 

My plan was to go with Michael to the B&O and write my petition to the universe for what I’d like my life to be like next year. I was going to post it here and ask all my friends to sign it. (yes - this ritual blatantly copied from “Eat, Pray, Love”. 

Unfortunately, I got a horrendous flu and spent most of the day in bed. 

A quick check of email just now and I found a note from Michael E who is traveling in India.  The note was a very sweet birthday greeting.  He always knows just what to say to his big sis. 

(I posted these thoughts in response to a thread here: http://www.talesfromthe.net/jon/?p=39)

I am reflecting on the points made about conflict and greatness.  Coming to a related crossroads in both personal and professional life.  I think I’ve done some ambitious work over the last few years.   I seen my best self rise to meet a lot of hardship over the last year and I do feel proud of all those things.  I think in time I will probably say that I was glad to have an opportunity to see what I am capable of. 

At the same time, I’m tremendously burned out and longing for peace.  I ALSO remember a time where I worked hard on a team and we were in flow.  We had each other’s backs, we passed the ball fluidly to whomever was open for the shot and we celebrated each win as a team win.  Maybe its just nostalgia playing tricks on me, but I long to get back to that experience. 

I want my family life to feel like that too.  I’m not saying I want to run my family like a business.  I’m saying I want my family to be a good team.  I want my family to respect and honor each others’ dreams and work together on them.  I feel like we’ve been silo’d just like we say Microsoft is.

I’ve been writing a lot about the emotional aspects of ideas and change.  A common thread from people I talk with is this notion that the term “work/life balance” is misleading.  These are not two separate entities to be “balanced”.  The threads between work and personal concerns are deeply connected and interwoven.  We tend to work out the same life and relationship themes in both our personal and professional lives.  At least I tend to. 

So I have been consulting for the IdeAgency team and witnessing a team culture that is definitely NOT in flow.  At the same time, Steven is right, I’ve produced some of my best work and met some incredibly talented people.  Is it possible to produce great work with joyful effort??    I would sure love to think so.  But I really don’t know. 

I used to joke that I only write well about unhappy topics.  I don’t write happy songs, and I don’t write happy poems.  So that leaves prose.  I would like to start telling a different story.  I would like to tell  stories about work and corporate life that help people feel less trapped, feel more personally empowered.  That was what I loved so much about Ad Astra - our stories.  Stories have power.  Stories show people how to act differently.  So who wants to start crafting a new story about how renaissances happen? 

Deer Santa,  I wud like a binket for krismas.  Evry nite wen Evie goes to bed, I get ankshus and whore around with the lawndry. I think I could form a luving, trusting relationship with just one fleecy binket.  (as long as it smells like peeple.) 

-Jack